Maintaining a loving and healthy marriage is a journey that requires dedication, effort, and open communication. In a recent episode of the Suburban Burnout Podcast, we had the privilege of interviewing Dr. Bianca Micken, "Dr. B" for short, a licensed relationship counselor and sex therapist. Dr. B shared her valuable insights on sustaining a loving marriage, addressing intimacy issues, and fostering better connections with your spouse.
Dr. B's journey into relationship counseling and sex therapy was inspired by her parents, who had a stable and loving marriage. As she grew older, she realized that this was the type of relationship she wanted for herself and wanted to help others achieve. The foundation of a loving marriage, she believes, begins with understanding the unique dynamics between partners and nurturing a strong emotional connection. Let's dive into the key takeaways from our conversation with her.
Addressing Intimacy Issues:
Dr. B highlights the fundamental differences in how men and women approach intimacy. While men are like microwaves and can become ready in seconds, women are like ovens that require warming up. Dr. B boiled it down to one simple concept- women need to feel loved to have sex, while men need to have sex to feel loved. Understanding and respecting these differences can lead to a more satisfying and fulfilling intimate life.
Avoiding the "Chore" Mentality:
Dr. B advises that intimacy should not become a chore in a marriage. She suggests that couples aim for a balance where around 60% of the time, both partners genuinely want to be intimate. If it feels more like a duty, it's time to address the underlying issues. This may require personal work on reconnecting with your own sexuality, healing the mind, body, and emotions.
Healing the Mind, Body, and Emotions:
Dr. B emphasizes the importance of recognizing the roles of the mind, body, and emotions in one's intimate life. The mind is like the CEO, making rational decisions and weighing pros and cons, should be in charge of making decisions. The body either works for the mind or the emotions. The emotions are like the employee hired for morale. When they are good, they are great. But the mental and physical burnout of life can make the emotions a runaway train. She works with individuals and couples to address and heal their issues to regain a healthy sexual connection within the marriage.
Talking to Kids About Sex:
While awkward, having open and honest conversations about sex with your children is vital. Dr. B recommends starting this dialogue around the age of ten and suggests the book "It's Perfectly Normal", by Robie H. Harris, as a valuable resource. It provides a scientific overview of how our bodies function and can be a great learning tool for both kids and adults.
Link to Book- It's Perfectly Normal
Your Relationship "To-Do" List:
Date your Spouse- To keep the flame alive in your marriage, Dr. Micken suggests dating your spouse. Exploring new experiences, trying the Gottman Card App, and even engaging in role-playing activities can help rekindle the excitement and novelty that comes with a new relationship.
Nightly "Staff Meetings"- A unique concept proposed by Dr. B is the nightly "staff meeting." This is an opportunity for spouses to sit down, communicate openly, and listen to each other. Each person takes turns sharing something positive they both did, something they wish to remove from the relationship, a promise they are still keeping to their spouse, and a commitment for the next day. This is intended to be a listening exercise for the spouse who is not speaking.
Role Play- spend the first 45 minutes of date night pretending you are meeting your spouse for the first time. Re-asking basic questions you think you know the answer to. Many times people think they know everything about their spouse. As time passes, people grow and change. You may learn something new you aren't expecting.
Download Gottman Card Decks App- Dr. B suggests downloading this app which provides fun questions, statements, and ideas for improving your relationship.
Maintaining a loving marriage is a continuous journey that involves understanding, open communication, and effort from both partners. Dr. Bianca Micken's insights provide a valuable roadmap for those looking to sustain and enrich their relationships. By addressing intimacy issues, recognizing the unique dynamics between men and women, and adopting practices like dating your spouse and nightly "staff meetings," couples can strengthen their bonds and create a lasting, loving marriage. For more insightful tips, listen to the full episode!
Meet Our Guest:
Bianca Mickan, PhD, is a licensed professional counselor who utilizes cognitive-behavioral therapy to treat emotional and behavioral problems in children, adolescents, and adults at Dr. Messina & Associates, in Southlake, Texas. She specializes in treating anxiety, depression, ADHD, grief, life transitions, child behavior problems, and couple’s relationship problems, including sex/marriage therapy.
She received her doctorate from Texas Wesleyan University in Fort Worth, Texas where she is currently a professor of graduate school courses. She is also a published co-author of a textbook.
Dr. Mickan is a proud wife of a United States Marine Veteran and mother to two young boys. She believes that compassion and connection are essential to therapy and she is humbled by the fact that she is able to do what she loves for a living.
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