Dead weight can be one of the leading causes of burnout in suburban life. It’s the neighbor that wears you thin, the in-laws that do not know boundaries or the volunteer work you simply don’t have time. So how do you effectively get rid of the dead weight?
Do an evaluation of your time for two weeks. What is causing you to exert too much mental AND physical energy outside of your parenting and work duties? Who or what triggers you on a daily basis? What is something that you may fight about with your significant other that should be a discussion? Who is asking for more of your time and guilting you into things that do not serve you? What are you doing too much of that again does not serve you? These are just a few questions you can ask yourself to get started.
Now, let’s look at the thing that you are missing in your life that you need more of but can not find the time for. The reason for this is so that you see the direct effect of the things you could be doing to better your life. These other people, places or things could be dictating your time and mental space that they become the “excuse you give yourself” not to do it. Motivation is key for change.
What is the best course of action for change? We talk a lot about different scenarios in the Suburban Burnout Podcast for this exact thing. An old friendship that is dying out. Family that is too involved or not involved in the right ways. Volunteer work that you are not able to do anymore. Unwanted friends you picked up from the daycare/school mom circle. Most of these deserve a full conversation that is planned and possibly mediated. Others need an email you send or maybe not send. Then you have the option of slowly being “too busy” to hangout. That option is reserved for the newbies or totally toxic in your life. Know that the conversation may need to be in three parts.
The initial questions you may have for them. Meaning if there is a problem it is best presented with questions and the opportunity for everyone to explain.
The second conversation which restates anything talked about and includes boundaries or what you both have decided the best course of action is.
This will be to check in to see if this is working and if both parties are happy with the changes.
You could decide on the first conversation that the friendship or relationship is just not worth the effort and that is okay! People grow apart and this is the natural cycle of life. Who knows you may be able to pick back up when there is more growth.
Stick to your intuition and progress. Please don’t be a pushover, people pleaser if it is going to cost your sanity. You deserve better! So remind yourself “why” this is best for you. This could impact you in the best way or leave you indifferent. Stick with your plan and know that all will work its way into the direction life is leading you. It is when you stop growing, stop listening to yourself and give into other peoples wishes that you find yourself in total burnout. You can rise above and lead your family by example.
Do you ever feel like you are the only one that tries to maintain a friendship? Or you’re always bending over backwards to help someone out just to realize it is never reciprocated? Or you’re friends with someone that doesn’t have the same values you do? Or you notice shallow, untrustworthy or backstabbing tendencies and then wonder if that person talks about you behind your back.
With life as busy as it is, ID’ing the dead weight is important but coming to grips with this kind of toxic situation isn’t easy. It is uncomfortable, awkward and stressful. If you are noticing yourself talking about a situation a lot, you feel stressed at the thought of a certain person, or it is affecting your mood, it is probably time to ask yourself what you are going to do about it.
First try to remove the emotion out of it and rationalize my feelings and analyze the facts. If you think of this process as a decision tree, it can be really helpful in figuring out which path to resolution to take. The overarching question for me is “Is the juice worth the squeeze?” Meaning, is this friendship/relationship/person worth it to you? If the answer is no, then I think the path of least resistance is to create distance from that person. I don’t believe in drama for the sake of drama. So if this person is not worth risking a dramatic or emotional situation with, then avoid it. I like the analogy of friendship boxes. You have your acquaintances, people you are friendly with but don’t hang out with much, friends, and then inner circle. Sometimes, people need to be moved into different boxes. You might have someone you considered a close friend but perhaps it is a one way street and you put forth all the effort. That can be a disappointing realization. But lowering your expectations for that person can be immensely helpful in reframing the situation. Essentially, they may need to be moved into a different “friend box”.
The analysis gets more complicated when you value the person enough to risk the awkward conversation. Take time to ask yourself a few more questions: (1) What role have you played in the situation or what point of view might you anticipate from their end? (2) Is this person the type to “shoot the messenger” or will they be receptive to your feelings? This risk analysis will help you decide how fruitful a conversation will be. In the past, I have also written out my feelings in an email that I don’t send. It is pretty cathartic to get it all out on paper and then sleep on the notion of moving forward with the conversation.
Book Rec:
Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng - follow up with the Hulu show
At Home Brunch Recs To Cut The Tension:
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